I'd like to apologize for my outburst + Story

I don't know if it'll mean anything now, but I need to shut up and act like a fucking adult. I got angry. I got jealous. I got tired of things not going my way and I threw a temper tantrum like a stupid child. For this, I might have lost one of my best friends. I let my negative obsession get the better of me, and now things are bad for a different reason. I am sorry. I am sorry I have caused depression among my friends and some followers. My little depression was one thing, but I went overboard into a whiny crybaby fit. I started bringing people down because of my selfish desires not being met over the year. Because of this I may have lost one of the most precious things to me of all. My friends. My only friends. This :iconknuxandsilverfan: is my story. This is for you and I hope you do read it. I put my heart and experiences I've not told everyone, but this is pure 100% being open. I hope everyone including you my friend enjoy.

I don't have friends. I have been a loser all my life since around 6th grade. No one really liked me much, and I was all alone. It didn't help I had and still have aspergers syndrome. I was so pathetic I actually had to join my little brother and 5th grade kids under me. I was the loser kid who managed to go home during lunch periods at school, because I was the loser with no friends. I was going home for lunch practically every day of school like the little loser I was all the way to 12th grade. Yes that bad. Pretty much my entire school run. I was also the kid who missed his mommy at Summer Camp and hated Sleep Over camps because I was no good at making friends. I only did 10 days at one camp, and 5 days for another because I was no good at making friends.

I started role playing here under the account "bbyu" when I finally had the courage to try and do something to help my loneliness. I managed to do so and was the one who humored me, even if the first RP was a total bust. It was the first time in years when I felt I had perhaps some form of social activity. His busy schedule soon affected me as he was the only person I talked to. I had no one else. So while feeling lonely again I decided to try something. I wrote a story about my frustrations, without it being too overly negative. I didn't bitch fit these frustrations, I just wrote about it in a way without having the story be constant bitching.

It turns out people did seem to like it, well at least a few at first. was there to pick me up from the first tale. He even welcomed me to DA even though I've actually been here before on an alternate account. You see on that account it was originally to see vore stuff. I originally commented on Kphoria's page about a Renamon pic he did. I then pussied out when he didn't respond and never tried doing anything with the fandom again for years. Anyways he and I RPed and I continued writing to pass the time when I wasn't RPing with the doc himself. Soon more people took notice of the works I posted and followed me. I think was one of them. She also commented and followed my work, though I think we became friends later. She was still a follower nonetheless. Though soon enough there came a stamp around the time I finished watching Sonic X after all these years. I really hated that stupid forced relationship crap between 8 year olds as well as Cosmo herself. So I stumble upon a stamp made by

Before Enuna showed off the fantastic art she made, we discussed our mutual hatred of a character over a decent chunk of time. We also mentioned some stuff about hacking I wasn't too fond of, but that's besides the point. Though the strange thing is, we didn't particularly become friends til she opened up an RP journal. At first I wasn't so sure about it and I don't remember why, but I later did decide to indulge, and we RPed for a long time. I still have those RP's saved to this very day. Anyways it was over this RPing period that we really became friends. I do regret though I was kind of an ass. I made Enuna's character a partial pred which is a serious no-no now. I've always like both male and female vore and her character attracted to seeing her as a pred and prey. Honestly I feel bad doing that as she may have just knuckled down for me just to be nice. I really do thank you for that. I'd never ask of something like that again.

Moving on ahead and still working on that Tails cause, I opened a ton of RP error messages, and man was that a mistake. I got so many damn messages I tired myself out quickly. There was like 20 or 30 RP's going on at once. That may be easy for some, but that was difficult for me. It made me very tired of doing too many RP's. I just couldn't handle it all. It pretty much made me put my account in hidden mode so I don't make people feel bad if I'm online, but don't respond right away. I know it's a very cowardly thing to do, but I'm just already bad with friends, I tend to cower rather than be upfront sometimes.

Later was a person I RPed with, but also she's significant because she's the first person I went negative on because I didn't really want Tails prey in an RP. She put up with me and I may have been able to try not to be too annoying. You'd have to ask her if I was too awful. Anyways she is someone who tends to like Tails in both roles and I tend to let it go if I don't like how she makes Tails "uki" I think the word is....or "seme", I don't really know yaoi lingo. It's whatever means bottom or not in control means I think. Even now I'm still a little hard on that sore subject, but I make sure to respect her work and not bother her for what she decides to do.

So now things are pretty good and the first fight or maybe first kinda not so great thing was the Borderlands 2 session with :valora390: I come back to this as since I was under leveled, I probably made the game so boring for a Borderlands 2 veteran. Though things only really got bad for me when I joined her and her boyfriends game. It's not really there fault, but since my character was such a low level weakling, the I couldn't do jack shit on their quest line but get loads of experience sent to me by doing nothing. I was pretty angry at that as that's no way to play a video game, but I didn't let it get to me when it came to being friends....I did however delete the game because I was mad....I got it back recently after a painfully long load session which Val heard all the bitching about, and then we never played and just did GTA...woops. Oh well.

I then made some more friends like who was possibly the only person who believed in my contest entry in a contest I joined a while back. I had no faith in my work but he apparently thought I was a shoe in to win. Apparently he was right as I did win. I won Doc's contest and I got myself a Tails vore picture that represented the first Tails vore stories I read and based my work off of. Not copy of course, but get a little idea of how to do a story. I kinda wanted the picture of Tails to say my name in it too, but I didn't care enough because it was so awesome anyways.

I kept on writing and soon enough I was jealous of all the people who could draw. I wanted to do some visual stuff, but my hands were just so shaky I couldn't do it. So with photoshop I wondered if I could use those Kphoria builders like other people use. I had some minor skill in editing as I did take a Communications Technology course, and photoshop was taught in that course. And so I do that and man was it eh! It was my first and I was not happy the human builder had me too small when compared to Tails. Though I did share my little experience and thanks to Kphoria himself, who even commented on the crappy deviation I did which made my day.

More time goes on and I have friends like Illusiveman who is no longer on DA but is on FA, , who is the true Jay...I only take Jay because I'm afraid to share my real name, but at this point I'd even put that out if it'd make people feel better. I'd even link a video of myself too if giving up my secrecy to everyone would fix things.

So blah blah blah more work and I attract someone who really does love Cosmo as a character. . He and I may not agree on her, but my negativity warranted his attention, and we soon settled. We still have opposing views, but I'd never berate him for what he follows as it's entirely up to him. I might openly hate and he openly support, but I'd never ruin his groove by marching over and complaining about him unless something directly had to do with me. I feel we're pretty good friends for people with opposing views and I like to think my negativity doesn't destroy him. I hope.

Following him is who wasn't too fond of my softcore digestion liking. Well he prefers it safe. He didn't complain or nothing and never said anything bad, but I did em a favour cause I felt like it and did a Shadow POV which was kept safe. He rated it a 7/10 I believe. You sassy bitch . Anyways we also did some RPs where my little Tails bias got in the way a bit. It wasn't obnoxious from what I recall, but it's another case of where that sort of protectiveness appeared. He's really good at setting the mood, though sometimes his busy schedule has our RP's cut off which kinda sucks, but oh well. He also apparently eats more than I do. I actually do tend to eat a lot as I'm an above average eater. I do nearly two pounds of beef (usually some left over), big plates with a mountain of chinese food on top, and I usually go through 10oz burgers without too much trouble. Also having big shwarma meals as those are awesome. Apparently Danny can do better, guess he's top pred even though he masquerades as prey. He also is a good friend trying to help fix things.

Lastly we come to . To be completely 100% honest and it may hurt. I forgot how we became friends. It really hurts that I actually don't remember how it happened. I think you might have commented on one of my works or journals, but all I know is you quickly hit it off with me. You talk to me everyday more than anyone else does. You may technically be my closest friend because you're around so much. When I'm at work or when at home you're usually around to chat or RP. I've done my best to scrapbook those RP's. I'm behind on scrap booking so I have a long way to go now. I really grew fond of your cute chibi like designs and your style. You may not think much of it, but I like it and your characters. I also liked very much how you drew vore even though you yourself weren't so fond of it. I really liked it and Enuna did as well. I think it's cute how you do it and I like how all your preds are tiny chao creatures who can eat up the big guys. Even in tiny chao form they can. I also really grew accustom to Golden, Silvi, and recently Bronze. They may not be my characters, but they really did kinda feel like my imaginary pets/kids. I'd hate to see them go away. You even convinced me to be a pred sometimes. I never had me be pred except once as a different character. As a human it never happened unless in maybe one micro situation in an early RP. But same size never happened til you made it happen. I also liked it when I was the chaos pred or prey, or those good times when I was your pred and prey. 

Now here we are in recent times where one Sonic Boom Episode makes me flip my shit. It made me explode because I was tired of seeing so much Tails prey art and stories, but seeing it become canon in one situation was just the lowest point it could get. I'm a paranoid person. I check every day or so to see if maybe someone made Tails pic I'd really like, or if someone made a Tails pic that would depress me cause most just use him as prey bait. This is the obsession I have and I tried to not let get the best of me. I refused to go comment on these pics if I saw them and I even once told someone who did get bitched at by Tails fans apparently way back that even if I wasn't fond of what he did, he could do whatever he wanted. Kisiro seemed to appreciate that.

So the depression gets to me, and I quit a Sonic forum because I did not like jokes about it or it being discussed at all. I also didn't like how people seemed to be ok with Tails less than stellar physical capacity just cause he was a kid....but being a super genius on par with Eggman who normally went mach 1 with Sonic...totally normal. I then spend the next week moping about and being even more lazy with the birthday present I owe you. Then I'm set off again when I see the thing I hate is becoming a thing with some art like I feared and I'm set off again with how things just may get worse. However I was only digging my own grave in comparison to what's to come. 

My whiny bitch tangent get the better of me and I hope maybe someone could cheer me up somehow in someway. When I was apparently too much for people I continually bitched and made you as well as Enuna feel worse. This became so bad I made fucking pity pictures. I stooped so low for pity and support I made fucking pity pics. That was stupid and uncalled for. So much so you had it with me. I made the biggest mistake I could make. I let a cause make me loose a best friend. Friends online are all I've got. So much so I've skipped work so many times just so I can be with people like you because I'm so lonely in life. I've missed weeks of work and another week just so I could be with my online friends. In any other job I would have been fired long ago. 

I let my bias and selfishness get the better of me. It's always got the better of me, but not this bad. I kinda support Tails cause I feel like the underachiever myself. I'm not very good in believing in myself and I tend to look to others for support like he does. My bias is so bad I actually started to loathe an old artist favourite of mine because I found out she hated Tails as pred and possibly him in general. Enumatse, a childhood fave actually changed my thoughts on her after I found that out. I was pretty shocked. I can not end my bias, but my pity trip must stop. As much as I really would want support and help, being a cry baby douchebag is the worst way to get it. I can not let this be my final swan song, and I won't quit so people remember me as that overly obsessed crybaby who needs a life.

Thing is I don't really have a life. If someone called me out on having no life they'd be right. I'm pretty pampered and I have things easier than most people. I take full advantage of it like the spoiled brat I am. I got no friends to come with it, so really it's up to you or anyone who see's this to decide if the easy life is worth having no friends or life. You are right when you said that is how I feel about the fandom, but I just represented the horrible side of Sonic fans that people mock constantly. I am a 19 year old adult and I should do better than that. For you who I'm pretty sure is younger than me to be more mature than me is incredible.

I can't say I am over everything that's happened as I'd be a liar. But I am done acting like a spoiled child who's entitled. I am not entitled to jack shit. I really really don't want to lose you my friend. I've been so focused on this depression and wanting to talk to you in a good light that I haven't eaten all day. But not eating while writing is something I always did a lot as my obsessive behaviour tends to cause that. I will not guilt trip people into supporting me as that is not fair to them. People can do that as they wish.

I can't say I'll be able to follow Sonic again easily, and I'd really like if I had an insider person tell me what happens in Boom and stuff so I won't get depressed no more. I am not quitting writing and this is my story for you as well as everyone else I may have hurt. Though it's not for those people I've seen following our journals and only caring for one side of this situation instead of caring about what's actually happening. Those people piss me off and I'm not fond of them right now. Pretty sure they're on Enuna's journals. Sorry if that's rude, but the only way to prove I'm being honest is to be as truthful as I can be, and that's part of the hidden truth now revealed.

I've also had who I'd like to call a friend because he's awesome and new friend who was the Tails fan supporter before I even was. They both also had to deal with me. I hope I didn't effect them too bad as I doubt dealing with a whiny bitch like myself is any fun. Tani even sent me an RP like story which really puts in perspective just how professional the RP's he's seen must be. So much effort. 

I'm really sorry for guilt tripping you this past while and making you want to quit for a while. I'm sorry for getting you into this whole mess because of my selfishness. I'm sorry to everyone I've effected, but at the moment I'm mostly sorry to . I ruined a friendship. Something I don't get to have in real life. I've ruined a real life friendship before with my arrogance back around 7th grade, when my literal bestest friend was a different person from when he left my school in grade 5. I know that sounds contradictory to what was said before, but all the friends I might have had may have really only been his, as 5th grade was when things went to shit and when he left. I was a total sour puss at his birthday party and we haven't talked a whole lot since then. I don't want to repeat that mistake with you. Please don't leave me Dee. I really want to do better.

I'm sorry

Now I need to eat cause I'm so hungry right now.